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Retirement Plan
Posted by Emilio | 2007.09.21 @ 12:42
This just in via email. Enjoy.
Quote:
RETIREMENT PLAN
INTER-OFFICE MEMO
TO: EMPLOYEES OVER 40 YEARS OF AGE
RE: RETIREMENT PLAN
As a result of budget cut within the company, we are forced to cut down on the number of our employees.
Under the PLAN, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger employees who represent the future of the company.
Therefore, a program to phase out our older employees by the end of the fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into affect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs within the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their personnel records before the actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the management. This part of the PLAN is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the COMPANY deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sun Assistance Payment). Unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). AS HERPES, CLAP and AIDS are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES, CLAP or AIDS will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
The COMPANY wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the COMPANY will continue its policy of assuring that employees are well trained through SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The COMPANY takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive—indeed; we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company. If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can take.
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Indeed.
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| Esa es la version criolla de:
A los efectos de lograr el tan ansiado DÉFICIT CERO, el Ministerio de Trabajo ha determinado la puesta en marcha de un nuevo plan: Plan de Emergencia Nacional de Empleo (P.E.N.E)
El P.E.N.E será introducido en la población junto con el siguiente mensaje:
Cómo consecuencia de la crisis actual y la automatización, el Gobierno Nacional se ve obligado a tomar medidas para reducir la plantilla estatal. A tal efecto, se ha elaborado un plan para efectuar esta reducción de la forma más justa.
El mismo consiste en acelerar la jubilación de los empleados de mayor edad, facilitando la retención de los más jóvenes a quienes confiamos el futuro del estado.
Este plan entrará en vigor inmediatamente y se denominará: Cronograma Unilateral de Liberación para Empleados Administrativos (C.U.L.E.A )
Los empleados insertos en este programa, o sea los empleados CULEADOS solicitarán una entrevista para determinar su situación laboral antes de jubilarse.
Esta etapa se denominará: Plan Acelerado de Jubilación Anticipada (P.A.J.A).
Los empleados que hayan sido debidamente CULEADOS y hayan hecho su PAJA podrán solicitar una revisión final denominada: Posibilidades Óptimas Laborales de Volver a la Ocupación (P.O.L.V.O)
Por consiguiente el P.E.N.E será introducido en forma completa a la población, junto con el siguiente mensaje:
La política del Programa Estatal establece que los empleados pueden disfrutar de un solo POLVO y hasta dos PAJAS pero podrán ser CULEADOS cuantas veces el gobierno lo considere necesario.
La verdad, las dos versiones estan bien chistosas...
At my signal... unleash hell.
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| jajajajaj muy buenas
Emilio - Evil Be Gone!
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