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Rectum Stretcher
Posted by Emilio | 2008.05.26 @ 13:04
This just in. Enjoy.
Quote:
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
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Tax Rebates / Stimulus Package
Posted by Emilio | 2008.04.08 @ 10:40
This just in via Email. Enjoy.
Quote:
As you know, each and every U.S. taxpayer will receive a rebate check to try and stimulate our economy.
However...
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gas, it will all go to the Arabs.
If we spend it on fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Mexico and Chile.
If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap, it will all go to Taiwan.
So, none of it will help the AMERICAN economy.
We need to keep that money here in AMERICA!
The only way to do that is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
My name is Elliot Spitzer, and I approve this ad.
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Retirement Plan
Posted by Emilio | 2007.09.21 @ 11:42
This just in via email. Enjoy.
Quote:
RETIREMENT PLAN
INTER-OFFICE MEMO
TO: EMPLOYEES OVER 40 YEARS OF AGE
RE: RETIREMENT PLAN
As a result of budget cut within the company, we are forced to cut down on the number of our employees.
Under the PLAN, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger employees who represent the future of the company.
Therefore, a program to phase out our older employees by the end of the fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into affect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs within the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their personnel records before the actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the management. This part of the PLAN is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the COMPANY deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sun Assistance Payment). Unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). AS HERPES, CLAP and AIDS are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES, CLAP or AIDS will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
The COMPANY wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the COMPANY will continue its policy of assuring that employees are well trained through SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The COMPANY takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive—indeed; we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company. If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can take.
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Indeed.
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Another one bites the dust: Gonzales resigns
Posted by Emilio | 2007.08.27 @ 11:31
Oops! Seems like more and more key Administration officials are stepping away from the heat.
After lying for a while, Bush-appointed Attorney General Alberto Gonzales finally stepped down after months of scrutiny regarding the government's illegal wiretapping and the strategic firing of US attorneys.
Who's next?
How about Dick Cheney?
Quote:
U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigns
WACO, Texas: Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, whose tenure has been marred by controversy and accusations of perjury before Congress, has resigned. He is expected to announce the decision to reporters at 10:30 Eastern time this morning in Washington.
...
Bush repeatedly stood by Gonzales, an old friend and colleague from Texas, even as Gonzales faced increasing scrutiny for his leadership of the Justice Department, over issues including his role in the dismissals of nine United States attorneys late last year and whether he testified truthfully about the National Security Agency's surveillance programs.
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Gonzales's resignation is the latest in a series of high-level departures that has reshaped the end of Bush's second term. Karl Rove, another of Bush's close circle of aides from Texas, stepped down two weeks ago.
Source: www.iht.com |
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Medical Distinctions: Guts vs. Balls
Posted by Emilio | 2007.08.09 @ 15:07
This just came in via email. Enjoy.
Quote:
Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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| Priceless Stick-up |
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| Bush gets robbed... In public... |
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| A new element is discovered |
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| Bush's abstinence education programs fail miserably |
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